No title.

Uhh... hmm... I guess I'mma start off with what went on today.

I woke up at 8 because I had a nasty congestion deep inside my head. Couldn't fall back asleep, couldn't quite get up. So I laid down in bed for about 30 minutes and decided to get up because I couldn't breathe. So I got up, went down to my computer and did some unimportant things. After about an hour I got ready to leave for church (40 days mass thing for my deceased aunt, RIP Norma Miranda).

Shit... went to mass after about... fuck... months or so? Nothing really important there. After mass, I ate with a couple of my older cousins and my older brother and all them. It's kinda funny 'cuz that was sorta my acceptance to the cool club, my dumb ass partying, drinking, smoking (not weed :P) brother and cousins and everyone. Like shiiiiiiiiiiit, kinda learned a lot of funny things about their lives. After that, they tried to school me on girls... and I'm like nah man. You can't really judge a book by it's cover nah meen? Hahaha, didn't learn much from them, I know everything I need to know I guess.

After the lunch, I played badminton with several of my friends from OTech. Realized I sucked ass when I played, so I left depressed about that shit. Oh well, I never had a knack for it anyway. Fell asleep till I got home and now I'm here.

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Shit haha... I don't know where to start. I guess I'm going to state the part which needs to be said.

For like... I don't know 5 days now? Yeah, 5 days. I've been acting like a total douche. I started acting like a bitch (like posting a lot of whiny shit) and I don't know why I do it. I guess maybe it's to spout what feelings I had, and I kinda wanted to hook you in, just because I didn't want to lose you as a crush (yeah, I fell hard). After about several days, you were fed up with it and told me to shut the fuck up. That was like smashing into a brick wall. I knew I should be over me liking you, but it's like.... I can't you know? So I stopped talking, I held everything in, all my feelings and what not. I did that for several stupid reasons, like... primarily I wanted you to see me not speak at all and with the intention of you wanting to know why (stupid right?). So I grew tired of that, since I couldn't hold my grudge anymore, I realized that I was acting like a douche.

Like for the past 5 days I've been immature. I made up excuses to keep hanging on to you, whether it be a longing for you (creepiness hahaha) or hatred for you. So since my day went somewhat alright, I tried self-reflecting and realized... you know what, I need to stop trying to fall for you. I can't really explain everything at the top of my head but it's like. I fucked up, I should just suck it up and not be a puss and just move on. You did so anyways, so I should too.




Dude. It sucks ass though. You fall for someone, and when shit happens, you get too depressed to move on about it. And even if you do you don't go looking for people. I just want that feeling you know, to be loved. To be missed. I'm sad. Hahaha. Go ahead and have your laugh at me, I got thick skin. I'm a loser anyways. Life is gonna suck, I'm gonna have a buncha cloudy days, I just wish that someone can pull me out of it.

Complaint.

I don't perceive myself as desperate, but I'm tired of the single life. Every time I try to get in a relationship, shit happens. No that isn't my problem. That doesn't bother me much at all to be honest. I'm tired of falling time and again, because every time I do, when I tell someone, I get shut down. I want to fly, as fast as a jet and just get out of here. I can't take it anymore. I can't believe that I keep making the same mistakes and that I'm not learning from the past. Shame on me.

I play myself like a fucking fool. I'm a fucking idiot for dreaming that I even had a chance. Because I never had one. I should have kept my head over my shoulders and thought of that before I made the mistake. I hate myself for being so damn soft.

Time after time.

My minds playing tricks on me. It's saying that I'm seeing that I like, but it's lying. This is an illusion that sets me high up and lets me fall down. Please tell me that I'm wrong so that I won't be high up. Don't let me fall down anymore.

"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

Day 1.

Hmm... I guess I'm gonna talk about my lame day.

Nothing special happened in particular. Talked to a couple of friends. They cheered me up. Everything is all good I suppose. I think I enjoyed my day overall. My day was pretty bad though. Completely forgot about putting money for a prom ticket, but thankfully I got another day to come up with 80 bones. I think that I'm really really falling behind in all my classes. I just need this weekend's rest and I'll push myself again to decent/average grades, enough to pull through really. Hmm... I keep thinking about her, but every time I do, I have to think really negative thoughts, so I it kinda negates what I'm already feeling. Thankfully it's going well, I mean that I'm starting to forget the pain, so I won't have to put up with it.

I only have one regret about forgetting. I hate more than anything than to purposely forget people. It's usually the highest crime for me to do against a person. But I dunno, I do feel bad, but I can't think of any better way to cope. Ahh well. I hope you don't hate me for that.

One thing I feel really bad about falling for people is that you can never find someone new to fall for any time soon. And it seems like FOREVER. Ehh. Oh well I guess, there are more fish in the sea, but I'd rather not go out and look. My mind tells me to move on but my heart is intent with this uncertainty of the situation. Though it's pretty clear that what I was hoping for will never happen. :/ I just wish you told me to stop from the beginning when I told you that I liked you. Anyways, don't reply to it if you're reading it. Haha, sike, you probably won't even read it. You probably hate me. Oh well. A lot of people do. I'm used to it.

Re-mothafuckin-boot.

Nuff of this sad shit. You move on and forget. Done with this mopey shit, it's ruining my life. Done that shit with Crystal. Shit ruined my life once, won't let it do to me again. Just move on and forget everything nah meen?

Anyways, this blogger thing will be rebooted. Time for a new format. A less emo, less shitty romantic, less abstract blog.

I can't define what is real and not in my life anymore. But you know what? Fuck it. Nothing is important anymore. Nothing should be stressed over.

I don't need a blogspot anymore. I don't need to talk about my feelings anymore.

Bye.

Eh.

Let me clear my head for a moment and I'll get back at you with my response.

As I think more about it, I realize that much of the confusion comes from my behalf. I think I'm scared to get close to you and lose you because like I said, I don't have that reassurance that you like me. So I'm acting all haywire. I guess I really fell for you, hard. And I really did like you. And I think I still do. I want to start over, but only if you want to.